Wondermentalist

There’s a fine line between ‘works perks’ and ‘petty theft’, and this poem, performed at the April Wondermentalist Cabaret, explores that line. Ultimately it comes down on the side of law and order, but on the way I like to think it shows a compassion for the perpetrator that is almost akin to aiding and abetting.

Works perks…

 

…it’s just a little thing,

I wouldn’t call it pilfering

Or petty theft. I took one, yes

But look – there are so many left.

I’m in on time. I smile, work hard.

Why should my conscience twitch or flinch?

Each working week you take a yard,

So why begrudge me my half-inch?

 

You take the best hours of my day

What do you give me? Take-home pay.

I’m so tired I can hardly speak

You take the best days of my week.

You take the best weeks of my month

I take some paper, this hole-punch.

You take the best months of my year

I take this swivel-chair. Oh dear.

You take the best years of my life…

… a laminator for the wife

 

So now please look the other way –

I need my little takeaway

To give myself a token raise

To supplement my take-home praise

 

Some get to meet celebrities

Or go on junkets overseas

I’m simply taking some of these –

Some paper clips, some folder files

A pritt stick, stapler, carpet tiles

Some tippex, a waste-paper bin

This thing for putting thingies in

This ream. Okay this box of reams

This laptop…

…well, you take my dreams

 

How did ever come to this?

My perky chirpy perquisites

Have been turned into exhibits –

These trinkets I gave house-room to:

Exhibits ‘A’ to ‘W’

Don’t ask what reason or what rhyme

Drove pretty me to petty crime

Nobody’s perfect

I guess it built up over time

Because I’m worth it