Wondermentalist

Vital Statistics

“Statistics are like a bikini - what they reveal is enticing, but what they conceal is vital”

I read. And slept. And dreamt I was there

at the Vital Statistic Beauty Show

ogling a bevy of stunning stats

the smooth curves of their perfect percentiles

rounded to the nearest whole number

90%-of-Accidents-Happen-in-the-Home

was voluptuous as a pie-chart with one slice missing

69%-of-Household-Dust-is-Human-Skin

the acme of elegance in a plain line graph - axes left daringly blank

interviews were conducted by the square root of Michael Aspel,

chanting protestors were dismissed by the media as an unrepresentative fraction

the sash and tiara went to

86%-of-Women’s-Industrial-Injuries-Are-Caused-By-Glass-Ceilings

garbed in stark Arabic numerals

and I only guessed I was dreaming when

90%-of-Drivers-Believe-They’re-of-Above-Average-Ability

gave me her phone number…

I’m doing Saturday Live tomorrow. I’ve already written my topical poem ( - at the start of the programme the poet of the day reads a short verse about anything in the news that takes their fancy.) To be honest topicality doesn’t come naturally to me and I ask my nearest and dearest ‘What’s topical? What’s topical?’ with increasingly irritating frequency. Yesterday I appended the question to an e-mail to Elvis McGonagall and he write back: ‘Kylie picked up an OBE’. That was enough for me. Better than the credit crunch, the price of oil or Brangelina’s imminent caesarian. So I wrote a quick Kylie poem and now I don’t know if I dare read it. Do you want to hear it? That’s a rhetorical question, obviously.  

A bit of froth for Kylie

She popped to the Palace for her OBE

 – The Order of the Bubbly Elf –

She’s been plucky, plucky, plucky

(And we’re glad she’s got her health)

 Yes. That was it. Tell me, honestly - no, really, I need to know your opinion, for what it’s worth, what do you think? Should I read it? Or should I do the sensible mature thing and step back to the drawing board while there’s still time…? 

There’s always something experimental about my introductory warm-up set. I couldn’t resist trying out this Latin-based poem. The live Traydio version is here. Give it a try. It went better than you’d expect, although you have to remember we have a generous and forgiving audience…

(A Lover of Latin may not be a) Latin Lover

Quidquid latine dictum sit altum videtur, but when I say that I say it quite wryly

Because it means “whatever is written in Latin is looked upon highly”

And since Latin’s been superseded as the lingua franca

Speaking it means you come across as a bit of a classicist

And though a lover of Latin may not be a Latin lover

I don’t think you should judge a Latin scholar by his cover

We all speak a bit of Latin and it’s time that we admitted it

If Latin’s an offence then let’s face it we’ve committed it

Who hasn’t been caught in flagrante delicto

A bit of Latin on their lips, sucking on its big toe (as it were)

If even ergo’s in your argot, ipso facto, you speak Latin

…and that’s fine

So if you’re offered Latin lessons, don’t feel you must decline

Because it isn’t all amo-ing and amas-ing and amat-ing

is Latin

I feel a tad defensive about its cases and its tenses tenses:

The nominative, the ablative, the dative, the accusative

The tentative, the putative, the sensitive, the fugitive

And far be it from me to propagate unproven claims

But a lot of plants would die if we forgot their Latin names

Latin’s not a dead language, although it could be more animated

It hasn’t been embalmed as such, it’s just little laminated

Modus vivendi is still pretty trendy

Modus operandi can still come in handy (and vice versa)

Magnum opus, hocus pocus, opus dei; opera (Winfrey)

Ad hoc, ad lib, non-sequitur; and veni vidi vinci

there’s post mortem; terra firma; alias; habeas corpus

amor vincit omnia; and in loco parentis;

subpoena; sine qua non alter ego, and agenda

bona fide; quid pro quo; innuendo and pudenda;

I say to Latin lovers everywhere: you mark my memorandum

nil illegitimi carborundum and quod erat demonstrandum

I could write ’em ad nauseam and ad infinitum – but, let’s face it, tempus fugit

Nevertheless: dulce et decorum est to get these feelings off my chest (gracias)

I wanted to tell you, the curious blog reader, where you can find various highlights of the April Cabaret on Traydio, so look below and click as you see fit… 

A compilation of the highlights of the March 2008 Wondermentalist can be found here  

Stephen Park’s contribution is here

Nathan Filer’s flying words can be heard by clicking here

Jerri Hart’s comic turn is digitally reproduced right here

For the Audience Poem, however, you must press here

The band known as Nomad Shuffle can be heard here, while Nomad Shuffle doing the Empath Man Theme Song with Jerri Hart on vocals and Faith Burch and Johnny Bloor on backing vocals are, as you probably guessed, exactly here

I hope you felt moved to click on the links. I hope you liked a significant percentage of what you heard. There will come a time, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, my word alive but it’s coming soon, when it willbe possible to subscribe to wondermentalist  podcasts. These, once subscribed to, will bring  lovely audio files to your iTunes or equivalent without you having to do anything. Isn’t that marvellous? It’s a rhetorical question, but I like to think you;re sitting there, nodding, with a grin on your face that makes you look younger than you’ve looked all week.

It’s a nice thought.