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| Toast me sideways |
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| Keywords: cheese, grill, Rob Barratt, toast
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| Categories: Blogs, Poems
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| Published on: Jan 06, 2010 |
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| Last updated on: Jan 07, 2010 |
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Dear all,
I wrote this during the week of the Copenhagen summit. As someone who is fairly green I felt a bit embarrassed that all I could come up with that week was a poem about the best way to toast a crumpet. So I waited a few weeks. I hasten to add that this poem is not sexist (he said defensively). It just so happens that all people who have ever given me stick about how to toast things have been women I shared a kitchen with. I read this to one of them, my Mom (aged 88), in Dudley a few weeks ago and she liked it. The next morning I found her breaking a lifelong habit by putting a crumpet in the toaster. Success!
Rob
Toast me Sideways by Rob Barratt
Why have females argued the toss with me
Played being the boss with me
When they are probably… thinking illogically
‘Cos a toaster is a vertical grill. Swallow the bitter pill
Of common sense. Don’t be dense
As you argue vehemently that the grill is the only place that we
Can toast a crumpet. Don’t blow your trumpet or be a boaster
About the grill’s superiority to the electric toaster
Your affrontery is full frontal. But the grill is horizontal
Not a convenient gradient for a salient …. effect
You can’t select … “eject”
Why should I feel disgrace as I place
Half a roll in the perpendicular hole?
Please don’t witter as I slot in a pitta
Or a naan. Stay calm
If you want my respect you must earn it
If you grill it you may burn it
But the toaster is more reliable. That’s undeniable
‘Cos you can set the dial and toast a pile
Of slices, in these kitchen devices
No need to bend down to see if it’s brown
On these facts my argument hinges
No need for blackened singes and subsequent whinges
But if you grill them, you may kill them
You may forget them, and let them
Become cinders, and have to open the windders
It’s no joke, as the smoke
Gets in your eyes and your toasting lies
Are exposed. It seems you are disposed
To convince me of the toaster’s inadequacy
Please abandon the notion you set in motion
That the grill is best. Put your theory to the test.
With its push-button ejection, the toaster is pop-up perfection
So don’t say the grill’s the bee’s knees
Unless you’re melting cheese
In which case the toaster has no purpose
It just oozes onto the work surface
Cheddar or roulé, you’ll cuss and say
“I’ve lost a fair bit, of my Welsh rarebit”
And that’s when you will…..
Need a grill |
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