Rude Health by Rob Barratt (rbarratt@cooptel.net)

Robert needs supplements to keep him alive

Ginseng, 1000 milligrams, 180 for £7.95

They come in a new slimline plastic container

Which slides into the smallest space. It’s ace!

No room to spare in the war against wear and tear

Remember Old Mother Hubbard?

Her cupboard was unhealthily bare.

She needed flexi-joints for dogs

A pet-health product that this brochure flogs

Joy likes her soy ……..isoflavones with black cohosh

I wouldn’t josh. She buys plenty, £12.95 for 120

In oestrogens it’s high, which is why she decides to buy

The starflower oil with sage. It’s because of her age

Each tablet contains 400 milligrams

Of this high quality water extracted herb

It’s superb

Joy also selects agnus castus

A pure natural herbal extract of the chaste tree

She hopes it’s taste-free

Recommended intake, one-a-day

She stashes it away ….. on the shelf…. for her health

Nigel’s neurotic about his probiotic

He wants some cod liver oil, which contains particularly

High levels of omega-3

460 milligrams DHA per 5 millilitre spoonful.

He buys a roomful

They’re made from pure Atlantic cod

Which gets you closer to God

No mention of the general wish to conserve over-fished fish

Would pollock oil have the same appeal? It would not, I feel

 And then there’s John. Where’s his life gone?

He wants some gingko biloba

He hopes his sex life isn’t over

And that there’s some wanderlust left in his wild rover

It helps your memory and your member

Puts back the fire in your dying ember

John admires the oldies in the ads. Grans and grandads

On a bike, on a beach

Full of vim as they swim, cycle and run and have fun

They’re grey but fit and can still play a bit

John wonders what it took to get that look

Is it a natural gift or was it a face-lift?

They jog and throw and look as though

They’re not too old for sex because they take Synergex

For brain, joints and heart

So their bodies don’t fall apart

It’s there on page 28. It’s not too late

To get £2 off, if you buy all three

A bargain, you must agree.

Judith peruses a page with patience

The brochure offers various combinations

Of vitamins B, C, D and E. No A? I hear you say?

Vitamin C comes in “effervescent”

I’m sure that’s particularly pleasant

There’s an option with Echinacea, which helps you to face yer

Encroaching old age with confidence. It all makes sense

You can also get it in “sustained release” with zinc

What do you think?

Each 500 milligram tablet “meshes” the vitamin

With plant cellulose. Does that sound gross?

Judith’s not rich but she clicks on “order”

Because she’s a supplement afforder

Brian views the older models playfully pressing

He pictures the women undressing

Cosy couples cuddling and caressing

Enjoying their retirement years

Brian fears he’ll remain a lonely guy

If he doesn’t buy glucosamine sulphate

Or something for his prostate

He ponders and wonders

If he purchases some St John’s Wort

Will he get to flirt with such desirable women

All cycling and swimming

So slender and tender with little body fat

Could he find a woman as perfect as that

In his age bracket? He buys a packet

Roger wants to live healthier and longer

He wants his organs and muscles to be stronger

But he just can’t make his mind up. It’s a bit of a wind-up

Saw palmetto, devil’s claw. What’s it all for?

Chondromax in economy packs

Green tea (caffeine-free)

Osteo plus. You could fill a bus

There’s so much choice, which is all very nice

But what should he get to avoid regret?

In a male menopausal flush, he feels a sudden rush

To his head. It gets hot. He buys the lot

On Tuesday it arrives in the post

Next day at 24, Littleton Close

After eating his marmalade on toast

In an hallucogenic haze of oil of evening primrose

Roger becomes the world’s first fatal health product

overdose

And a future feature for the Sunday supplements